Attitude Rehab - Part 1

Everyone knows what personal issues I am going through lately, from marriage problems to personal attitude problems. Both go hand-in-hand. There's a lot of things I have done and said lately to put myself deeper into a hole I originally created. I crawl up a little bit, then do something stupid and fall deeper underground.

I need to stop that. If I have any chance of regaining any momentum in myself and my marriage, I need to crawl up out of the hole I've dug. The only way I can save either is to fix myself. If I don't fix myself and learn to be happy with who I am and enjoy who I am, how can anyone else? How can my friends and family like who I am if I don't like myself? They can't, and it would be foolish of me to think differently; which, is what got me into this situation to begin with.

I'll blog how I am doing with my own attitude rehab, with nothing overly personal about myself and my marriage, but moreso how I am feeling on a day-to-day basis. It's not going to be a quick change, but it will be a change for the better in myself and hopefully my friendships and marriage.

Step 1 for me was coming to the realization of what brought myself down and continues to suppress me. You would think that being out of high school for 10 years would eventually have left me and I could move forward with my life. It hasn't. All of the garbage I went through in high school is essentially the basis of who I am today. To put it in a nice way, I was pretty much verbally brutalized in high school. I had a couple friends, some acquantences, but it was very rare to hear a nice thing said about me.

That would haunt me, until now that is. I need to just let go of all that garbage. I am a popular guy now. I defied the odds of what childhood memories told me I had. I married a beautiful woman, and have a beautiful child. At 17, if you asked anyone in high school if I would have a beautiful woman for a wife, or even be married at all, all you would get is a bunch of laughs (sorry if that's calling out anyone on my page). Yes, I understand that we were just children then and it shouldn't still matter, but dealing with the mental pain it caused me was very hard to cope with.

When I look back, I realize that I have been a complete idiot about myself. I wasn't fun to be around, and I just wasn't a fun person. I was closed-off and unwilling to try out new things. Hesitation was the name of the game, but because of my childhood, I didn't want to fail. Failing meant people would be judgemental and would say anything possible to bring my own attitude about myself down. If whatever I did made me look bad, I didn't want to hear someone laugh at me about it. It would hurt. I need to throw away that hurtful feeling and manifest it into a positive experience: smile and learn from it. I will become a bigger person by doing that.

I need to grow up, and by realizing what is causing my faults will allow me to do that. I deserve a more improved me, but more importantly, so does my family. I've let them all down, now I need to lift them back up.

I also want to reassure all of you that my wife and mother of my child is a wonderful person. My selfish attitude and grossly idiotic sayings have been very hurtful, and if they in any way, swayed your opinion of her in a negative way, please rethink your opinion. She really, really is a kind-hearted and an overall fantastic woman. I love her very much for being as nice and patient with me as she has over the years. I respect her more than anyone, and hope our bond, whether it is friendship or marriage is never, ever broken. I will personally ensure that doesn't happen.

Also a special thanks to Krista, Molly, Tracy (someone tell her, please), Gary, Dana, Joe, Erin, Pat, Sydney, Brooke, Mitch, and everyone else (too many to name - but I love you all) for being there for me and/or Cathy through this. You all need a beer salut.

Time to take a deep breath, and let everything negative about my past GO. It's over and done with. Time to acknowledge who I am and my potential and BE POSITIVE ABOUT IT!

KoRn Songs Have Helped

There is a lot of animosity in my life lately. Every KoRn song I've heard and like has expressed how I feel. It's amazing how when things go wrong you can relate with something.

The following lyrics are from the KoRn album "Take a Look in the Mirror". The song is "Counting On Me".

Why can't you ever back down
Why can't you just shut your face
Oh God the feelings I feel
Would get me thrown is a cage
You're the one who's always screaming at me
I'm the one that keeps your lives so care free
What the fuck more do you want me to be
Why must you do this to me

Run away, I can't see
Lead the way, make them pay

Counting on me
Always hoping I'll be
There for all of your problems
And in turn you're never there for me
You sucked the life of out of me
You hate everything you see
I can't take this anymore
I always stay when I should leave

You see the pain in my face
While you keep putting me down
Inside the rage starts to build
You push me I won't go down
You're the one who's always screaming at me
I'm the one that keeps your lives so care free
What the fuck more do you want me to be?
Why must you do this to me?

Run away, I can't see
Lead the way, make them pay.

Counting of me
Always hoping I'll be
There for all of your problems
And in turn you're never there for me
You sucked the life out of me
You hate everything you see
I can't take this anymore
I always stay when I should leave.

Could it really be the day, today?
Count this really make the problems go away?
I'm going to hurt just not in time

Right now
I'm takin all I can now
Right now
You've torn us all apart
Right now
There is nothing you can do to stop me
Right Now, Right Now, Right Now, Right Now
Right Now, Right Now, Right Now, Right Now
RIGHT

Counting on me
Always hoping I'll be
There for all of your problems
And in turn you're never there for me
You sucked the life out of me
You have everything you see
I can't take this anymore
I always stay when I should leave

Counting on me
Always hoping I'll be
There for all of your problems
And in turn you're never there for me
You sucked the life out of me
You have everything you see
i can't take this anymore
I always stay when I should leave

The pain is almost completely out of my system, but some still resides. It will go away soon. Time to move on to bigger and better things.

Swine Flu Uproar

I haven't posted much lately because there simply has not been much lately that have captivated my eyes. The economy sucks, Microsoft is dropping much faster than anyone projected, both of the local major sports teams are awful, and life in general has not changed much. There wasn't a whole lot of new news going around... Until a new flu started.

If you're not sure of the background of the Swine Flu specifically, here is the information

Swine flu does come from pigs. Yes, pigs can also spread influenza. It is rare that a human can contract it, but it is possible. Usually this happens to humans that usually spend a lot of time with pigs. This strain is different in that it is affection people who do not normally work with pigs. It's normal for any strain of the flu to mutate every couple of years, which a much more grander mutation every ten years. That is when they make massive numbers of humans sick until everyone is vaccinated or just gets it and gets over it.

The swine flu symptoms are no different than any other flu symptoms. The cure is R & R, and fluids. Rare occasions would require anti-viral medication.

I really cannot believe how overblown this flu is. I understand that other flu's have historically (even as recent as 1988) killed many humans, but justifying the scare being spread by American media and Government is insane. As I write this, only 91 cases of the Swine flu have been reported in America, with only 1 death. By the way, the child was only 23-months old, and flown in from Mexico for treatment. So reporting it as a US death is false reporting. Sure I am incredibly sad for their family as there is nothing harder than losing a child, especially that young and innocent.

President Barack Obama pledged "great vigilance" in confronting the swine flu outbreak Wednesday night as it spread coast to coast across the U.S. The outbreak hit 11 states and closed schools amid confirmation of the first U.S. death — a Mexican toddler who visited Texas with his family — and the confinement of dozens of Marines after one came down with the disease in California

Associated Press

To call this a true pandemic is insane. The common cold affects [on average] about 1 in every 4 Americans, or approximately 62 million at any given time. Statistically, I would consider that a pandemic. Approximately 40,000 American's die every year from Influenza. The majority of those are children and elderly that were not properly immunized. An influenza outbreak like this is not out of the ordinary. To me, it is almost expected.

I really wish the American media would get over themselves. Stop acting like this is the end of the world and give you news stations some credibility. I honestly can no longer sit and watch these shows as they are general full of hot garbage. Only once in a rare time do they make a good point. To the media who are out for ratings, I congratulate you. Good job on finding doctors that are willing to say what you want them to in order to continue pulling the proverbial wool over our eyes. You're ability to freak people out and watch your shows more is nothing short of incredible. Round of applause.

If you have the flu, I really hope you get better. Get some rest, drink some fluids, and take care of yourself. That is the best treatment to get yourself cured.

Where Did You Go?

I have not gone anywhere. I am still around. I am digesting some news lately and figuring out how to spew my opinion out on them.

Most notably, Terrell Owens signed with the Buffalo Bills (which still has me quite speechless). I am probably going to interweave it with the potential of the Bills first game being on a Monday night versus the Patriots (Unofficial, will likely wait until the schedule is announced).

I don't feel like posting anything about the Sabres. They're missing the playoffs. That is that. There's nothing I'd like to express about that team and will likely wait until the draft before I begin to evaluate the 2009/2010 season.

Other than that, I have nothing to really talk about. Sure, the US is in shambles and I feel lucky to have a job that isn't really being horribly affected by the decline in the economy. Sure, cutbacks are happening, but we plan on thriving and surviving.

Internet Explorer 8 is apparently filled with bugs. I can't really say I'm surprised.

Well off to play Wii.

Will "Kumo" Help Microsoft?

Ok. Everyone that knows me understands very well that I am not a fan of Microsoft. If you don't know this fact, then you'll notice this article is openly biased against them. Microsoft is desperately trying to compete with Yahoo! and Google in the search market. Despite gaining a little ground, are still dead last of the big three.

In an effort to catch up in the market, MS has internally released an overhauled search site called "Kumo". An article showing a leaked screen shot can be found here (Courtesy: CNet). The new results engine shows three columns:

1. The left column shows related search links, your search history, and different categories of pages you searched for.
2. The center column shows your search results.
3. The right side shows sponsored links like Google.

Everyone, the page looks neat, new, and nice, but keep in mind that all of the above are currently being done elsewhere. You want categoried searches? Try hakia.com. I hear they categorize searches. Yes, Microsoft 'borrows' ideas from other people. We all know this. That's not what bothers me.

What bothers me about MS is that MS cannot get out of their own way. The more I read, the more my main problems with Microsoft are validated. It's scary how often I see this:

There has also been a lot of speculation about the brand name for Microsoft's new search site. Whether, Microsoft will keep the name Kumo is still unknown though many Microsoft watchers do believe Kumo will end up as the official name. There has also been some speculation that Kumo will expand to more than just search. I think that's exactly right and am sticking to a theory I forwarded last year. Kumo has two meanings in Japanese: cloud and spider. The cloud, as in cloud computing, is still the big buzzword for the future of online computing and I think the Kumo brand may, in time, embrace more of Microsoft's cloud strategy than just search.
pcworld.com

And my personal favorite quote:

If Microsoft can't get its e-mail and instant messaging services cohesively branded (Is it still Hotmail? Or MSN? Or Windows Live? Or Office Live? Or MSN Office Live?) then how can it instill trust that it's got the services themselves right?
betanews.com

Microsoft has a huge problem with branding. In my opinion it is one of my two main reasons why they are so low on the search/e-mail/IM totum pole. Microsoft cannot keep names under an umbrella to save their lives. I actually liked the idea of "Live", but how will Kumo (if that's the name they stick with) be employed. Will it replace Live? Will it be Windows Live Kumo? Knowing Microsoft, will it even be one or the other? No one will know until it is released.

Another issue I have with the search business is that in order to catch Google, MS and Yahoo! will need to come up with a way return better results when the end user does a search. When I seach in the three platforms now, I find more trustworthy, and just better results from Google then the other two. With that being said, it's not by much, but its enough to keep me on Google for the time being. I'm sure Google notices this and has a plan in the background ready for release when Yahoo! and MS begin to catch up.

Microsoft, brand you products better. This will help you with marketing, and overall end user satisfaction. It wouldn't help to at least try to come up with a new concept instead of rehashing things that already work.

Links

My links will be coming soon. I'm just going to post what is in my bookmarks. Eventually I'll post the sites with RSS feeds I read. I'll hopefully add additional functionality like Twitter or maybe Digg. We'll see. Time is limited, that's for sure. At lease this time I've managed to pull off a couple posts. I have a few more in notes that I have to just clean the sludge off and post.

Buffalo Sabres, What’s Left?

With 21 games left in the season, what do the Buffalo Sabres (31-25-7; 69 points; 9th place) have left? With Vanek and Miller out, it doesn’t seem like there is much. As most games this season, Lalime plays a decent game, and receives zero help from the offense. Lalime has only allowed 3 goals in the last 2 games with his teammates only able to muster 1 goal.

If the Sabres have any hope of making the playoffs, they need scoring. They could attempt to make moves before the trade deadline Wednesday, but knowing how Darcy Regier works, I don’t foresee a move being made. A move would essentially deconstruct what has been built post Briere/Drury, however, this is two years in a row half the team (or more) are struggling. How much longer does a fan like me give them?

The team has added Rivet, who is a solid defenseman, but not Brian Campbell and that was it. Lalime has been good as a back-up, but he’s obviously not going to score goals. The Sabres need a consistent goal scorer (between 20 and 30/year) and a scoring defenseman on the point for power plays. The Sabres currently have numerous 20 to 30 goal scorers, but haven’t been consistent in 2 to 3 years.

My theory is that unless Pominville, MacArthur, Hecht, and Paille get themselves in gear, the Sabres will be golfing in April and fans will be increasingly bitter. There still is plenty of time left in the season, seeing as the Sabres are in 9th, 1 point behind the Pittsburgh Penguins and 3 points behind the Rangers and Panthers. Oh, we also lose the tiebreaker against all three teams. My prediction is that the Sabres will have to win at least 14 to 16 of their remaining games to make the playoffs. We will see in April how that turned out.